As soon as you decide that divorce is a potential reality, immediately your thoughts will turn to your future and fears of your new reality. “I can’t support myself.” “I haven’t worked in 20+ years.” Or “How much of my income will I have to give up supporting my spouse and the kids?” “I’ll be living in poverty!” A world of unknowns reveals itself in an avalanche of financial and emotional realities that must be dealt with. Despite the stereotypes around vindictive nasty divorces, my experience is that many couples truly and sincerely want what’s fair for all involved.
The problem here is that every person’s idea of fair is different. Depending on how much emotional wounding may have happened in the marriage, perceived wrongs that demand to be righted, apologies that remained unspoken, “fair” may be on the peaks of two separate mountains cut deeply by a river of conflict and resentments. This is the simple truth that has created a multi-billion-dollar divorce industry. I think there is a different answer.
What if you let go of the need for fairness? I know, sounds crazy but try this on for size. What if each party didn’t worry about what the other person was getting and sat down with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® and simply figured out what they need for themselves to be able to be ok? You may find that what’s important is not getting everything equal but keeping certain things that are important to you. Consider this example, what if everything up for division could be depicted by a jar of marbles. You may find that you really care less about receiving the exact same number of marbles because what you really want are all the green marbles or all the small marbles and your spouse wants all the red marbles. Now coming to the table can look a lot different. Now, consider that you sit down with a mediator and start there? Maybe it’s not exactly equal. Maybe it’s not “fair” but it’s creative. Maybe it just works! For everyone involved! Now that is a win/win solution!
Focus on the next phase of your life and how you can move on in a healthy happy way that will preserve your family unit for the future. My goal is to help you be the best divorced family you can be, because you’re still a family.