As a little girl I had created my own little fairy tale life of marrying my high school sweetheart, having kids, and settling down young…and living happily ever after. Welp…that’s not how it went down at all, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t try to take control and make sure my story came true just the way I had planned.
Nearing the end of high school, I started dating someone that seemed smitten with me and seemed to care a lot. Unfortunately, what I saw as protective was actually possessiveness and jealousy. If you know those character traits in a relationship you can probably see where this is going. After four years of struggling, I was fortunate enough to get out before it was my permanent lifestyle. With that relationship ending, so too was the death of the only fairy tale I had imagined.
I. Was. BROKEN.
For years it was whispered, and yelled, in my ear that I was HIS whole world…that nobody would ever love me the way HE could. My understanding of love and affection was so backward, and I knew it, but it didn’t mean the fear of being alone and unloved wasn’t real. I felt empty and completely alone and misunderstood. I wanted to be alone in my despair but inside I was screaming for help, helpless in my dark pit.
“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.” Psalm 40: 1-2
One day the veil just lifted, and I discovered I was strong and capable. I was a little (a lot) pissed off too and wasn’t afraid to show it! Through it all I discovered how to move forward. I prayed, a lot. I can’t say there was one defining moment that changed my world from darkness to light, and trust me more bad choices were to follow, but I was OKAY. I would be okay.
I consider myself fortunate that my “fairy tale” relationship was short lived and ended in a 20’s break up saga not a legal battle and divorce. If that’s you, I can’t say I truly understand what you are feeling but I would venture that there is a part of you that is grieving what was supposed to be, and maybe a little (or a lot) pissed off that it didn’t go as planned. When the Jews were living in exile in Babylon the prophet Jeremiah wrote “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope a future.” Jeremiah 29: 11
A lesson I feel I have learned and re-learned is that my plans may seem wonderful and perfect, but not only are God’s plans better and right, they are normally WAY MORE than what we could ever imagine or dream for ourselves. If you are in the thick of the pit, hold tight to Christ; he will meet you where you are and lift you out of your pit of despair.